Dissecting My Discouragement

In the privacy of my office, I sat staring at the wall.

If you crept in without my knowing, you might have wondered if I were seeing a vision. Actually I was, but nothing generated by heavenly forces. My focus was a mental replay of confrontations . . . trying to understand what had taken place, or imagining myself saying what I now wished I had said. Sometimes, I was just imagining the look on their faces as I slapped down my resignation. Would they beg me to reconsider as I walked out the door, or break into a spontaneous service of praise and thanksgiving?

Hurt, anger, exhaustion, shame only begin to describe the jumble of feelings I tried to sort through . . . staring at the wall of my office.

I try not to think about those times. And don’t misunderstand me - this long-term pastorate in an upscale suburb had many, many joys. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. It was a marvelous, exciting time in which God did some incredible things. But along with that came some dark days. And the reality is that we usually cannot have one without the other.

Every pastor has been there. In my heart I knew that if everything I touched had turned to gold, who knows what sort of monster I might become. Yet that challenge seemed infinitely more welcome than dealing with the infighting and disputes in which I found myself.

Does anyone escape them? I know a successful pastor who has difficulty identifying the specific moments he has experienced depression. I envy him in that, but I suspect few who can say that.

As a follow-up to Bob Gilliam’s article, I want to make some observations and suggestions for dealing with discouragement. After that, I will provide some links to a few sources on the Internet you may find useful. In my experience, Bob’s portrayal of discouragement as God’s blessing couldn’t have been more true. Each of those experiences was a teaching moment in the Master Teacher’s plan for me.

Once, after a particularly brutal board meeting, one elder asked to talk with me personally in my study. “You’re blowing it!” he said. I knew he loved me and, as hard as it was, I knew he spoke those words for my benefit. Because of that I was able to see that he was right. I had become so defensive that I was hurting myself and the church. True, I was under attack, but my self-inflicted wounds weren’t helping my cause.

I wrote previously of the complexities of the family dynamic in church government. This same characteristic further complicates the pastor’s role. The pastorate is not unlike the role of business leaders in our congregations. However, for them there is a clear separation between the workplace and their spiritual family, but for a pastor these are one and the same. Every challenge from the pastor’s workplace is a challenge from spiritual brothers and sisters. A business person may tell her small group about a treacherous move a coworker made against her and she is talking about a company none of her prayer partners are experiencing. That separation allows the small group to become a refuge, a harbor at the height of a storm. But a pastor often has no one outside of his workplace to share his own feelings of vulnerability.

Since God clearly designed us all
to need the mutual accountability and support
of the body,
the fact that pastors so often find themselves
isolated and alone
serves no one well.

Like perhaps some of you, I think I went into the ministry seeking approval for my efforts. It’s not like I every admitted this to anyone (and only grudgingly to myself) yet early on I knew all too well that even isolated displeasure from within the congregation could ruin my day. No better place to wean oneself from the “approval of men” then to focus on serving God, but in the process there will be moments when your heart seems starved. It is at such times we need to have cultivated a few intimate relationships that reflect God’s love, while helping us see our own blind spots. I will always be grateful to my elder friend for becoming one of those for me. I learned that as much as I might want to, I could not insulate myself from everyone. I needed at least a few people I could let my guard down with.

Carl George would say one of the qualities he wished pastors to have was a thick enough skin. While anyone leading a diverse congregation will sometimes be accused of being insensitive to the wishes of some, it is easy to become too sensitive. The quality Carl was recommending is the ability to sift and sort the criticism without letting it take its toll.

As a young pastor, I was often surprised when people saw me as a father figure. With so many people having “father issues” one of the costs of being in authority is (often unwittingly) helping people work through their issues. I remember once someone coming to my office to carefully detail a list of reasons they were leaving the church. Every one of them had something to do with me. For me it was brutal. Then, as he left, he paused at my door and thanked me for the session. He said he felt a lot better now and that it reminded him of his last conversation at his father’s deathbed. Then he left.

It wasn’t until much later that I realized what he had said. I was stunned. I had always been puzzled at the animosity I felt from him, but he was scarcely younger than me. Never did I see myself as his surrogate father. I tried to imagine what that final conversation with his father must have been like. Did his father feel anything like I did? I look back on it now with a certain amount of sadness for the man. But in the moment while he might have felt better . . . I did not.

I suppose
there are similar untold stories
behind many of the conflicts
we encounter.

In fact, studies have been done showing that often the presenting reason for leaving a church is only one of many that often have very little to do with the congregation or its leadership. Some churches have seen success training exit interview counselors who not only assess the presenting problem, but also are trained to identify and seek remedy for the surrounding cluster of stressors that contribute greatly to the situation.

Let me offer some suggestions:

1. Even in the worst of critics there is often some truth. Otherwise, we would dismiss them so much easier. Our task is to glean that truth and jettison the rest without becoming absorbed and depleted by it. So when someone comes at you with anger that seems disproportionate to the cause, tell yourself that probably much of it is not about you. Don’t absorb the total impact of it until you know for certain you deserve it. That’s what Jesus did in asking God’s forgiveness for those who crucified him . . . “they know not what they do.”

2. Cultivate some relationships where trust is high and love is undeniable. In such relationships you can hear someone say the worst about you because you know they already value the best. When I began in ministry I subscribed to the theory that a pastor could never be intimate friends with a parishioner. I no longer feel that way, but I also know the dangers and have the scars to prove it. The shortcomings of a support group that is entirely outside the congregation is that you will have no one you trust enough to hear the most difficult things you need to hear. Perhaps there is some value in both.

3. Every pastor has someone who can suck the vitality out of them in just a few minutes time. Monitor the time you spend with those people. If it’s someone with whom you are in close working relationship, gently confront them. Say to them in a loving way, “I need to tell you that when you say that I feel . . .” Explore the dynamic between you and seek to change it.

4. Monitor the influences that affect your mood. TV, movies and music often can affect our emotions one way or the other. For example, music can easily depress me or lift my spirits, so I have to watch what I listen to. You might enjoy escapism on TV or in a movie, but something dark or violent it might not be the best preparation for a difficult board meeting.

5. Try scheduling some conference time that will be spiritually edifying and not just focused on how to improve your church in ten easy steps. Not that the two are mutually exclusive, but sometimes what you need most is to be built up in your spirit rather than just adding to your to-do list. Years ago, I remember attending the Conference on Biblical Exposition in Houston during a stressful period. All I heard was one excellent sermon after another and I came back completely refreshed. I didn’t have one new program to start, but people certainly noticed the renewed energy in my preaching and my increased vision for the church all as a result of feasting on God’s Word as served up by some wonderful expositors.

6. Monitor your own margins. In stressful times we can run too close to the red line. Yes, there are many demands and more work to do than we can possibly accomplish, but the truth is most pastors have much more control of our schedules than we like to admit. You may feel guilty taking some time off, but if that’s what you need . . . get over it.

7. Plan a week where you will get away from all your distractions to seek the Lord in prayer then go find a room in a monastery somewhere, take along a great set tapes and just pray, read and listen. If anyone questions this (including yourself) ask what part of your job description is more important than making certain you are in sync with Jesus.

8. Let your leaders know you are struggling so they can minister to you. When you have enough perspective, share with your congregation about your own struggles with depression and what God has taught you in your sermons. (See Spurgeon in the Web Resources Article).

9. Look to your own growth. It may sound insulting that I suggest this, but as a pastor I know how we can put more effort into attending others than we do in looking after ourselves. Bill Hull’s excellent series on Spiritual Transformation is a challenge to us all. Incredible as it may seem, this is a blind spot in the church today. It is a value that has become obscured beneath a flurry of wonderful endeavors. Don't let the storm you may be navigating through keep you from looking after your soul.

Links to Web Resources on Discouragement for Church Leaders   Click Here