 T-NET International • Discipling Disciplemakers • April-May 2003 |
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Bob Gilliam, President
As we inched along in wildly disorganized traffic during my recent trip to the Philippines, I had a lot of time to reflect on this matter. The Filipinos have excellent traffic laws. However, many of the police are corrupt, and these laws go unenforced. As a result, drivers on six-lane streets make U-turns from the outside lanes. They stop in the middle of busy intersections. They ignore red lights. Stop signs (if they exist) are a joke. This type of selfish driving snarls traffic and causes trips of less than ten miles to take over an hour. This experience will make you a serious fan of US "law enforcement" if you weren't before. Trying to make disciples without appropriate accountability will have a similar effect in your church. It's human nature. You might find it in a kitchen drawer or on top of the pantry, but in many Christian homes there is a wooden spoon, small paddle, or even a hairbrush used to discipline small children. Aside from what children sometimes think, parents usually dislike using the board of education or panty paddle even more than their children. Yes, there are varying schools of thought about this, but without appropriate discipline most children do not grow up into responsible adults. Proverbs 13:24 puts the matter in stark and striking terms: “He who spares the rod HATES his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.” Twenty years of parenting have convinced me of this important truth: “It is
not rules What we have found true in raising children is also true of discipling spiritual children. Disciplemaking is guiding someone to conform to the image of Christ. Integrity is at the very core of that image. Jesus is always faithful, never welshes on a promise, and keeps every commitment – even when we do not. To become like Him, we must also develop this kind of integrity and it only happens through accountability.
A disciplemaker, While we often resist it, accountability is indispensable to developing Christ-likeness. A disciplemaker must learn the skill of loving in this way. So, how does it work and what does it look like? The disciplemaker is constantly helping the disciple to define his or her beliefs about Christ-like character. Then we help the disciple transform those beliefs into behaviors, which develop into habits, becoming virtues and, ultimately, Christ-like character traits. 1 It goes beyond believing a behavior is right, to making a commitment to following through. This is where coaching is vital in shaping the disciple’s character. Let’s say your disciple makes a commitment that they will carry out a specific assignment, such as having a personal devotional time every day this week in order to begin developing this habit. However, because this behavior is nowhere near a habit yet, at your next meeting the disciple says it was a tough week and they only did it four and a half times. (The half being when they were interrupted by a family emergency and were never able to finish.)
What you, the
disciplemaker, If the first time this happens you do not hold them accountable, the disciple will become conditioned to believe that they do not have to follow through on their commitments. The disciple is being pushed by the world, the flesh and the devil to keep on living godlessly. They have not yet developed the internal backbone to resist this pressure alone so they need you, the disciplemaker, to give a firm, loving push the other direction. You must provide this offsetting pressure of accountability until they can develop this habit strongly enough to withstand these other temptations alone. When the disciplemaker does not hold the disciple lovingly accountable, we teach them that they can continually make commitments to grow then renege and never be called on it. This produces hypocrites, not disciples . . . persons who lack integrity and will never develop it! Here is what the loving disciplemaker must do to use accountability in making disciples: Step One: Build appropriate expectations beforehand. Explain the importance of accountability to the disciple early in the disciplemaking process. This includes an explanation and negotiation of what the disciple can expect if they fail to follow through on a commitment. Negotiate each commitment in this manner until the disciple understands and actually asks the disciplemaker to hold them accountable. Step Two: Write it down and pray. During the disciplemaking process, virtually every commitment (and agreed upon consequence) should be written down, just as a student and teacher both write down homework assignments. Memory is faulty. (If you don’t believe this, you are probably not as old as I am.) Writing it down will save you from many arguments about what that the commitment actually was, or whether there really was a commitment. I promise that in the end it will save you a lot of time. Also, remember the disciple will be having difficulty building these new habits. Pray for them and their ability to follow through. If your
disciple reneges Step Three: Evaluate couldn’t or wouldn’t. Evaluate the reason for reneging. At this point you must determine whether they reneged because they couldn’t, or because they wouldn’t keep their commitment. If they couldn’t, you should affirm them and show them your love. They need to know that you truly care about them and are not just interested in what they accomplish. However, if they wouldn’t, you need to love them by holding them accountable. Of course, there are sometimes valid reasons for reneging, reasons that are out of the disciple’s control. I once asked a group of pastors why they were late to a training event, only to discover that the area where they lived was flooded and that some had waded through water up to their waist to get to class. Their seeming tardiness was really a sign of commitment. Lesser men would have stayed home! Step Four: Ask one simple question. Bill Hull points out that at this point it is important to keep the remaining discussion from getting sidetracked by other issues. 2 You have already asked why the person reneged. There is really only one issue to focus on now. Learn to ask just one simple question, lovingly and without anger or defensiveness. The question is, “What did you agree to do?” (You might pause right now and try repeating this three or four times because, if you can remember this one question, it will save you many headaches in the future!) If your disciple tries to change the subject, simply remind them of your love and ask the question again without changing a word.Step Five: Hold them lovingly accountable. Now comes the most important part. Remember that in the beginning the disciplemaker and the disciple have agreed about what would happen if the disciple reneged on a commitment. See Step One:
This agreement should include the fact that the disciplemaker will hold the disciple accountable and insist that they reschedule and keep every commitment). At this point you should say, “What did we agree on as the loving thing to do if you had trouble with a commitment and reneged?” Once answered, the disciplemaker will usually feel a conviction to follow through on this action. This should include three elements. First, the disciple should evidence regret. Second, they should recommit to finish the commitment. Third, the two of you should agree on a new completion date that is quick but reasonable. Once this is done, a wise disciplemaker will warmly affirm the disciple for acting with integrity in confessing their need and agreeing to complete the assignment. They might also point out that this is a normal and frequent experience of everyone in the spiritual growth process. Step Six: Follow through on the accountability. The accountability process is not finished until the disciple has actually finished the assignment. When they do, and this is the most common experience, the disciplemaker has the joyful task of praising and affirming them. However, sometimes a disciple may renege twice on the same commitment. When this happens, it is again important that the disciplemaker not become angry or defensive (as though they, themselves, had failed). Instead it is very important to uncover the root issue blocking the disciple from finishing. They may need your help, a modeling experience, or your presence to successfully finish this commitment at first. If this is the case, you should offer this. Remember, disciplemaking is a coaching process, not a “telling” process. You are there to support, not dominate the disciple. Negotiate with them to provide whatever help they need to succeed. Then arrange for a new recommitment and timetable for finishing. I promise this kind of thing will happen to most disciples several times in their growth process. However, there are two other reasons a disciple may renege a second time and never (in the short run) fulfill their commitment. Sometimes he has not yet developed the level of maturity to do this, because he is not yet in the disciplemaking stage you have placed him in. Perhaps you are leading a Basic Accountability Group (focusing on the second phase of disciplemaking), but the person is really not finished with the first level of disciplemaking (the “Come and See” phase 3). Please remember, if you determine this is the case, there is nothing morally wrong. I suggest you have a private discussion with your disciple. Point out that they are a beloved child of God who is over-zealous for spiritual growth (an admirable trait), but need to spend a little more time building commitment in a Covenant group (a small group on the first level of disciplemaking). Help them transition into a more appropriate group until they build the necessary commitment.Unfortunately, there is one more reason a person may renege. The Bible is clear that some Christians are simply carnal and rebellious. They refuse to submit to the help or authority of spiritual leaders and passive-aggressively rebel by constantly reneging on commitments (if they are willing to make commitments at all). Negotiating beforehand what should be done in that case, and holding them accountable as described above, will clearly identify this character flaw and provide a wonderful opportunity for the disciple to grow. Up to this point, there is no real difference in the way I suggest you handle them, except that you might pray even more fervently for them. However, if they still do not follow through, in love you must use a stronger rebuke. A comprehensive study of the words “reprove” and “rebuke” in the Bible reveal that the appropriate level of rebuke is based on the response of the person you must reprove. (A rebuke goes deeper into one who has understanding Than a hundred blows into a fool. 4.)When you encounter a rebellious Christian, the church discipline process of Matthew 18 gives a model that can be useful, even for a lesser offense. Bring another mature Christian they would respect and lovingly confront your disciple, asking them to follow through on their agreed upon commitment. Next bring several people. Sometimes the small group can function in this way. The goal is not to alienate the disciple, but to use enough authority to help them see their problem with authority. If they can confront this early in their Christian walk, it could be the best thing that ever happened to them. If they do not respond, you will need to end your discipling relationship (but of course you would not dismiss them from the church, since failure to attend a small group is hardly grounds for excommunication). Perhaps, continuing to sit under the preaching of God’s Word will later bring this person around. Make certain you remain in relationship with them. Sometimes this sort of person will try to find fault with you to excuse their attitude. Determine not to let that make you defensive. Jot down a reminder in your schedule to call and check in on them occasionally, so that they understand you have not rejected them and are looking forward to the day when they are ready to become a disciple. A personal consideration: Luke 6:40 needs to ring in the ears of every disciplemaker. “A disciple, when he is fully trained will be LIKE his teacher.” As a church consultant, I observed long ago that pastors who are late to meetings have leaders and members who are chronically late for church. These pastors may complain about their members, but they will never be able to see a change, or even to hold them accountable, until they, themselves, begin to model what they ask. If you are a disciplemaker, please remember that you will never be able to hold your disciplemaker accountable for evangelism if you are not practicing it. The same goes for all other basic habits. You don’t have to be “good” at these. You simply have to be obedient. When my youngest daughter was just learning to spell, we lived in a home on a cul-de-sac that emptied into a street shaped like a horseshoe. There was a stop sign where they met, but there was little traffic and I could see for blocks down both sides of the horseshoe. One day as we drove onto that street, Nicole, with a quizzical look on her face, said, “Mommy, does S-T-O-P spell slow down?”
At that
point, Do you truly want to be effective as a disciplemaker? Then please simply remember two things. God loves you and cares more about who you are becoming than whom you are discipling. Begin by being the kind of disciple you want others to be. And second, learn to faithfully and lovingly use accountability as a tool in your efforts just as you, yourself, have benefited from the truth that whom the Lord loves, He disciplines 5.
2. See the Videos Building Commitment I and Helping People Keep Their Commitments both by Bill Hull. Back 3. See Bill Hull’s discussion of how Jesus approached disciplemaking differently in each phase of his disciples growth in New Century Disciplemaking (previously titled Jesus Christ Disciple Maker). Also note that the "Basic Accountability Groups" referred to are high commitment growth groups designed to help people experience spiritual transformation. T-Net offers coaching on all aspects of organizing and deploying such groups in your church. Back 4. Proverbs 17:10 NASB Back Back
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